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Home | Blogs | 's blog

Letters With My Daughter Hayley

My efforts to have a relationship with my daughter.


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The following are handwritten letters to my daughter, Hayley, soon after her mother kicked me out of her life, quite violently. Presently, Hayley has a lot of anger and hatred towards me, due to the lies told to her by her mother, and likely others.

These letters were written to her by me about 3 years ago. Presently, I continue to hand write Hayley letters at least once a week. Nothing will ever keep me from loving my daughter:

This letter was written immediately after Hayley's mother had me evicted from my own house, and after I was in jail due to false allegations against me, by Hayley's mother-

Dear Hayley,

Since I'm unable to send you letters right now in the mail, I've decided to write you anyway. What I do write to you I will give you in time, I promise.

I also write often about you, Hayley. I write about my thoughts and feelings I have- and how thankful I am that you are in my life. This life. When I do write about you, I share this with others. These others care about you as well- quite a bit.

Your dad likes to shout from the rooftop of the world when he writes. When I write about you, I acquire the words I write solely from my heart. So when I'm on this rooftop when I do write about you, I whisper in silence- which is the peace in my heart.

Yet others hear my whispers quite deeply at times- and quite clearly. As a result, I'll continue to retrieve these words to you within me.

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Let's see".we will start when you were born. You clearly did not want to come out of mom just yet, although you were due a week before you were born. So you were ready to be born, but were apparently a bit too comfortable inside Mom.

Yet mom certainly would be more comfortable at that time if you were finally born, so it happened finally after 17 hours of sheer bliss experienced by Mom.

And you were wide awake when you were born, Hayley, and this is the only way to be in life. This was very cool for your dad to see you this way seconds after you were born. You were very ready to start living your life right after getting born. I enjoyed seeing you this way then as I do now.

Mom was a bit sore after delivering you, so I got to hang out with you a lot after you were born. We would go out on the back deck of our house very early in the morning and listen to the birds as we would watch them fly at times. And I have not stopped enjoying spending time with you ever since then.

Then, after 4 months, I experienced the best feeling in the world. I made you laugh.

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I continued to make you laugh after that moment. This was very easy for me to do. I absolutely love to see you smile. Whenever I may be having a bad day, I'd come home and see you. At that point, I was no longer having a bad day.

Also, I use to drink a lot of adult beverages before you were born. I stopped doing this soon after you came into my life. I no longer needed to poison myself with such drinks.

When I drank, I was not myself at all, and I wanted and needed to be myself around you. I'm very happy I am myself around you and with you always. Quite simply, your dad rocks.

You always watch what I do, I learned quickly. So your dad is a fairly nice guy. I'll often hold the door for another. I always say "please', and "thank you', to others I speak with often. I always try and help others that need help.

You watched when I would do such things. As a result, you do these same things for others. You are very polite and kind, Hayley. I could not ask for anything else.

I love you very much,


This is a letter I wrote my daughter Hayley, after another warrant was issued for my arrest due to her mother in the state of Missouri, and her free legal team's desire to keep me incarcerated.

The warrant is again for violating the restraining order issued against me by her mother. I did nothing to fracture this bogus order against me.

The letter was composed by me during my bus trip down to Atlanta Georgia-

Dear Hayley,

I'm on a trip right now, Hayley. Others want to put me in jail again- even though I've done nothing wrong. So I'm leaving today to move to another state. It's my hope to start my life over again where I move.

And I still miss you greatly, Hayley. I miss hugging you and talking to you. And I will see you when I can, I promise.

It is likely you are now as tall as me now, I bet. You are a very beautiful girl. You are as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside, Hayley.

Please tell me about school sometime. I love when you write to me about school, and the friends you have as well. I'd also like you to write about how you are feeling these days.

I've been feeling OK, I guess. I'm still trying to figure out how to live my life without my family. This is very hard for me to do. I still do not understand at all why we are not together anymore. What is important to me now is that you know I love you very much.

I'm taking a bus where I am going right now, Hayley. This is my first time taking a bus for a long trip. This should be relaxing for me since I do not have to drive myself. I'll be going through 4 states throughout the night tonight.

I'm going to go see one I completely trust- one girl in particular. This girl is very good for my soul- she cares about me very much. I'm looking foward to seeing her, and spending time with her.

She will also help me start my life over again with her. Yet I do not know if I will ever be really happy again. I can only hope I will be happy again.

More importantly, I hope you are happy. You have been through a lot lately, Hayley. Yet you are also very strong, so I'm sure you are just fine. I hope you are healthy, and you have a lot of great friends, and those who care very much about you.

It's rainy and cold outside right now, Hayley. I wish we were in our old living room reading and writing together quietly. I love it when you and I have done this together in the past.

Our bus has now stopped in mount vernon, IL at a mcDonalds place. I'm not hungry, but I did get some coffee here. It is still cloudy and rainy outside, but it's not too cold now.

There is a girl sitting behind me on the bus who is not much older than you. She is talking to her boyfriend on the phone ALL THE TIME. She is from Alabama, and is getting ready to move to Florida. Her accent is really weird. There is also another lady on the bus here with me who is snoring right now.

It is always best to treat other people as you want to be treated, Hayley. When another person treats you bad, it really hurts sometimes. When this happens to a person, that person may decide to treat others as they were treated.

This is not the right thing to do to another person. Always strive to be better than many other people who are mean, Hayley. Our world needs more people like you.

I've decided I really like riding on this bus, Hayley. I like watching outside the window all the time as the bus moves. And I love writing you as I travel right now. It's kinda tough to write you if I'm actually driving, you know?

The bus driver is a very nice older lady that sings as she drives. She is a much better driver than your dad. Right now, we just stopped at a bus station in Evansville, Indiana. We'll be leaving here pretty soon.

It's also very dark outside right now. It's very peaceful to me as the bus cruises down the highway when it is dark outside.

I find it very easy to write to you, Hayley. Ever since you were born, I've always talked to you, and made you laugh. So it is good that I can continue to talk to you as a pen pal now.

So I have saved the letters you wrote to me not long ago, Hayley. And I've shared them with the world. I'm very glad I'm pen pals with my daughter.

I really think this bus trip rocks. It is a very quiet bus, and many on this bus continue to sleep. Your dad does not sleep much these days. I continue to watch it rain as I write to you. And there are about 25 people on the bus with me right now. It will get more crowded as we pick up others to ride on this bus.

I've enjoyed writing to you, and I will again. You take care, and take it easy,


A letter I wrote my daughter Hayley, soon after arriving in Atlanta,Georgia, to live with a girl I dated 25 years ago. The living arrangement with this girl who lives near Atlanta, Georgia lasted about 6 months-

Hi Hayley!

I'm on vacation right now with Jacki at a place she went to college a long time ago, so I thought I'd write you once again.

We are staying at the Hilton hotel, which is one of the nicest hotels to stay at in the country. From some time ago, I had a lot of points saved from staying at Hilton hotels in the past, so I used these points to stay at this hotel now for free for a few nights, since I have no money now. By the way, you and I use to stay at Hilton hotels in the past a few times, and we had an absolute blast when we did this! You kinda like hotels like this one, and we wish you were here with us now, Hayley.

So Jacki and I just got here today, and she showed me the library where she use to work at, which is part of the university she attended. Wow- there are SO many books at this library. Jacki is very smart, and now I know why""". Then, we walked around the town of Athens, Georgia, and it was a very beautiful day outside. We walked past this diner, and the manager gave us free drinks. This was very cool. We met some other really nice people as well during the day as we walked.

And I might be starting a new job as a medical editor for a lady who owns medical information companies. I'd be revising the writing of various advertisers, since I happen to know a great deal about medical stuff. This lady read some of what I've wrote in the past, so this is why she wants me to work for her.

It's advice time:

There was a guy in Germany who lived a long time ago named Frederich Nietzsche. He was a great philosopher- philosophers add great value to life. Mr. Nietzsche once said that whatever does not kill you, makes you stronger. What he meant was, when you are hurt in any way- physical or emotional- if you in fact survive, you are a much stronger individual as a result.

Because you are stronger due to these various traumas inflicted upon you, you then find yourself refusing to stay down when you are knocked down either by other people, or events that have happened your life. This is a very good way to be in your life, Hayley. Always get back up when you have been knocked down in your life. You will be a much better person in your life as a result.

I love you very much,


Another letter I wrote to my daughter Hayley, while living with an old girlfriend, near Atlanta, Georgia, soon after her mother set out to completely destroy me-

Hi Hayley,

I'm at Starbuck's now having some coffee, which I love, and I thought I'd write you again while I'm here.

I'm still staying with my friend, and I'm very glad to be with her right now. I've known this girl for 23 years, and I actually dated her before I dated your, uh, mother. I've told this girl all about you, and what you mean to me. She is very much looking forward to meeting you sometime.

There are very few friends I really trust and love, Hayley. Jacki, the girl I stay with now, is one of them, if not the only one, and she is very good for my soul.

It's cold outside here where I live, and it actually snowed this morning. I very much enjoyed watching the snow fall through the trees earlier today. This was very beautiful to see for me. Jacki has a lot of trees in her back yard, and this is where I watched the snow fall.

When you were younger, you and I would sleigh ride often in the snow, and we would have snowball fights occasionally. You would always win these snowball fights due to that awesome arm of yours.

I'm still looking for a job, Hayley. I'm applying about everywhere for a job, so I'm sure someone will hire me soon. I do not like not having any money, of course. Your dad has done a lot of different jobs in his life so far. When I was a medic in the Navy and Marine Corps, I did a lot of things I really enjoyed.

I used to work in a newborn nursery- caring for brand new babies by feeding them and holding them when they cried. This was when I was only 19 years old, so I had no idea then I'd actually be a father to you, which totally rocks. So caring for these babies was good practice for me till you were born. You are kinda cool.

After being a medic, I continued to work with doctors in hospitals taking care of patients for 10 years or so. This is when your mom and I went to college at night. Then, I worked for (gag) drug companies, for about 10 years. When I did this work, I think I made more money than God.

This was cool- cause Mom and I were able to get a really nice house, and provide for you so you could have everything you possibly could want or need. I can't believe I actually wore a suit and tie when I did this work for the drug companies.

It's Saturday, and I'm at the mall right now, since Jacki is working till 1 p.m. today. I'll meet her near the mall after she gets off of work today. Earlier, I walked by the Claire's store here in the mall, and I thought of you, of course. You and I use to go to this stores all the time- especially when you were younger.

Also, a girl from Israel here at the mall insisted on making my hands soft with salts and creams she was selling. This felt good when she was doing this to my hands and nails.

She wanted me to buy these salts and creams for Jacki, I think. She kept on talking about my girlfriend when she was doing this to my hands, and I was, like, geeeezzzzz""

I'll go to the bookstore soon here at the mall, which I love. This is where I'll meet Jacki pretty soon. I think bookstores and libraries are great, cause I always learn something new when I read a book.

It is always a good thing to learn, Hayley. There are a lot of people who choose not to learn what may be important, so they go through their lives a bit blind to what may be the truth, which is gained by knowledge. Please do not be like these other people.

Tonight, I'll be staying in a hotel room, cause Jacki has a free room for me. She is going out with her friends tonight, so I'll probably just hang out and watch TV. Or I'll read and write, which is what I do all the time, as you know. I like hotel rooms cause you can just hang out and relax without anyone bothering you.

Your dad has had a lot of people bother him lately. And also at a hotel, you really don't have to worry about cleaning your room, which is cool, cause your dad can be kind of messy at times.

I promise I'll write later, and I love you very much,


And here is what Hayley wrote me, after receiving these letters from me:

Dear Daddy,


How are you! I am so sorry I haven't wrote you back in awhile. Mom has been giving me your letters that you have been sending me. I keep them all!!!

Hey- can you believe I'm 5'5" tall!!! So I'm not quite as tall as you, but I'm close.

So, how was your trip- was it fun?

How was your bus ride in the rain at the coffee shop?

It makes me so happy to know that you share your letters with people! ha ha ha- it's so funny how your driver sings on the bus.

I hear that some of the drivers on the busses at my school sing too!!

I am so glad you are with someone that makes you happy! I miss the times we have had together. We had some great times!

Oh! By the way, are your hands soft? I love it when people put stuff on my hands. They're soft forever!

I've read so many books this year, and I'm doing great in all of my classes. Guess what? I have a 12th grade reading level! Awesome, right?

Well, I hope you know I love you very much and miss you a lot. I hope to see you soon. And plz write me back.

Love always,

Hayley A.